Numb
by JenniferRain
Summary: I've become so numb I can't feel you there become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you. collection of four seperate oneshot song fics of the song Numb in Ryan's POV. Done for now.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:: ok, new story idea. I've been kinda down lately and so i've been listening to a lotta angsty stuff, hence the Linkin Park Numb. Well, i got four ideas for onshot song fics from Ryan's point of view using this song, so, behold, here's the collection of four one shot "Numb" fics. Enjoy. The first part is coming shortly followed by the other three. This is last minute, i havent even really written it yet, i just have the idea, so don't mind the spelling and grammatical errors, cause i'm doing it fast to get it out on paper before i lose the inspiration i have. I'll go back and revise it, but y'all get the idea... Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with the song or the band, here are the lyrics. It'll be really angsty, and the first chapter's coming up as fast as my fingers will fly over the proper keys. Much love, peace. **

**-Jenn

* * *

**

**"Numb"**

I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)  
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

* * *

Pt. 1 Ryan vs. his school

Pt. 2 Ryan vs. his sister

Pt. 3 Ryan vs. his parents

Pt. 4 Ryan vs. the World.

* * *

P.S. A/N:: haha, i've got so many skills i have a post script to a story preview/authors note. They're all pretty much related, but they're **seperate** oneshots, therefor, if Ryan were gay in one, he might no be in the next and vice versa. I'm not sure which way i'm going for any of these, i'll find out when y'all do. 


	2. Chapter 2

Pt. 1-- Ryan vs. East High

* * *

East High was never an accepting, loving environment.

No one ever cared about the kids who didn't do anything considered "important."

No one ever cared about those who weren't popular.

Those who didn't make a name for themselves.

It was especially hard for me. Sharpay was always in center stage. Sure, I liked the limelight, and I sure as hell got it, but only because I was the best male. That didn't stop me from being in the shadow of my all-too-perfect sister. She'd do anything for her name, for her fame. She'd do anything to get what she wanted. And people noticed that and respected her for it. Me? I had limits. I had a sense of what was right or wrong. I knew not to ruin reputations and destroy relationships just for my own glory. I did what was expected, and planned nothing wrong. Morals. I had morals. I was too good for my own good. And everyone let me know.

They respected ruthless people. Leaders. Me? I'm a follower. I love my sister, and I trust her, and because of it, I'd do anything for her just like she'd do anything for herself. I'm a loyal friend, a loyal brother. I'd help others instead of helping myself. But no one wants someone like that. They don't want followers. Best friends. They want the ones in the spot light. The ones willing to go all the way.

That wasn't me.

That wasn't right.

But I did what they wanted. I did what Sharpay wanted. I was who they created. Who they expected, I became.

That's not me anymore. I've gotten back on track. I'm doing what I want, instead of what they want for me.

I was who my peers and teachers wanted me. I was who East High held in such high esteem; a ruthless jackass. I tore friends apart to get myself on top. I destroyed reputations to make myself look good. I became my sister's true twin. We were exactly alike, and the school loved to hate us. The 'duo of doom'. The Drama King and Ice Queen. The twins who took advantage of everyone and everything to get ahead in life. The two kids that'd make it to Broadway.

They pointed us out to strangers. "See those two? They're gonna be big. They're willing to do anything to make it out there, their names in lights."

They were proud to say we'd be leaving this crappy school and move onto better things. "I know them!" they'd say at local theatre productions after an excellent performance. "We're friends, we are!" Like hell we are. I had no friends. That's what they wanted. They wanted me in complete isolation. I had no one to turn to but myself and my sister. She was always so much stronger. I always followed where she led. And that's what they loved. I was the drama fag. They all called me names. Said I was a geek or that I was gay. No one bothered to get to know me, even after the cliques 'fell'. No one cared. Kelsi was the only one who noticed I was numb. Not that she cared anymore. She had bigger and better friends now. A brainiac and a jock. They beat us out and continued on to win their own championships beyond it. They didn't care about theatre like we did. They just wanted to sing together. They didn't deserve our parts. We earned them. We needed them. We had to have them.

It's all I had. I depended on being in drama, being the lead. It was what I was good at. It was who I was. They all took it away. Without it, what am i? nothing. Numb. My reputation was ruined. No theatre academies will have us now. Not washed up, no good actors who had a shadow of a chance once upon a time.

East High cost me my future. What I always wanted. Or what they always wanted for me?

Did they save me from the future they forced on me? Maybe yes. Maybe no. I guess I have to take a leap of faith. Step out of the faithlessness of being the numb shell I was before, and step into a new me. No more mistakes to anyone. I'm only living one life, and it should be for me.

I just want to be me. Not what they want me to be.

So I will.

I'll step out there, and give my speech, and feel the heat of that spotlight just once more before I leave this school forever. For good. To move on.

I'm class president Ryan Michael Evans, and that's my cue. Congratulations, East High, class of 2008. Good luck in the real world. Don't be like me. Don't be numb.


	3. Chapter 3

Pt. 2 Ryan vs. Sharpay

* * *

"Ryan, you're doing it wrong again!" she snapped at me as a collapsed onto a chair near the door. The music clicked off and she stomped towards me angrily. "You're not concentrating enough! Stop being a lazy-ass-good-for-nothing and get to work! I'm not going to be made a fool of twice in a row because of you! There's no way Troy and Gabriella can beat us out again! You can't mess up again like you did last time, so get it straight!"

I glared up at her, panting heavily. We hadn't taken a break in more than 8 hours, practicing and rehearsing, singing and dancing, choreographing and discussing and arguing. I was getting sick of it but I couldn't tell her.

I couldn't tell her how I hated doing this. How since she became a dictator I lost my passion for the one thing I ever felt passion for. How I now wrote in a journal instead of practiced my vocals at night in the privacy of my own room. I couldn't tell her how hard she was coming down on me, how aweful she was making this experience. How no matter what she wanted, I'd never be perfect. I cant be her clone- we're only twins.

I cant tell her all that. So I remain silent and just glare.

"Don't give me that look, Ry. You know you want this part. We have to get these roles."

"No."

Silence. The only noise was the CD player, skipping as the CD remained on pause.

"What?"

"No."

I shouldn't have said that. Why did I say that? And even more, why say it _twice?_ There's got to be something seriously screwed with my mind, today. I'm dehydrated, I'm tired-

"Ryan. Get up. Get to work-" …so damn tired… "NOW."

"NO."

That's three. I'm such an idiot. "Ry, stop fooling around."

"Get your own damn life."

Not good. That sounded not good.

"Excuse me?"

Shit. What the hell am I going to say?

"If everything I do is so screwed up, get your own damn life to run. I'm not your clone, I'm your fucking twin. Learn the difference."

She genuinely looked stunned. And hurt. A flicker of sorrow in her face. I knew I shouldn't have lashed out like that. For that one flicker of a second that she showed emotion, I felt sympathy and regret. And then Ice Queen returned, and with her came Drama King.

"You get your ASS back up and dancing until you get it right."

"Just because mum is disappointed in you doesn't mean you have to channel your frustration with life on me. Get your own damn life to run cause I'm out of here."

Was I shouting? Did I really sound that angry?

I'm moving. When did I get up? When did I start walking away? When did the music start playing?

How'd I get my journal? How the hell did I wind up in the park? Is it raining?

I cant feel anything. Can't hear anything. I'm so damn sick and tired of it all. Why did she force this on me? I just want to be me. She shouldn't try to control me. She cant control me. She's killing me. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I am is wrong. I cant take another second of wasted time. I cant take this anymore. I had to leave. I had to fess up.

I know I'll fail eventually, like her. I'll fail at life, and I'll want to take it out on her. I'll control her like she does to me. I know it because mum really is disappointed in us both equally. That's why she hates us. That's why she left. That's what dad told us.

I cant breathe. Too restricted. I'm too faithless. I'm lost. She's expecting too much. I have to be exactly like her. I have to walk in her shoes. Or in her shadow. Or both. I'm never myself. Why cant I be myself? Why do I disappoint her?

She's killing me. Holding too tightly. Smothering. Choking. It's too hard. I cant take it. Everything I do.. I cant…

"Ry?"

I didn't even realize she was there. Didn't notice. That's not like me.

I know I'm going to end up like her. She's going to end up like me. We're not so different after all.

We're both numb. Empty. She just handles it differently.

I cant feel.

She feels too much.

So tired of being what I'm not.

"I cant.. I cant be what you want me to be."

She said nothing, but held out her hand to take mine.

We'd go home.

We'd practice.

We'd get those roles.

I'd do this again another time. When I'm stronger. When she's weaker. When I can actually stick to how I feel.

When I feel. When I'm not numb…


	4. Chapter 4

Numb pt. 3

Ryan vs. his parents.

* * *

I sat staring in front of me, blindly. Couldn't see straight as the scene swam in and out of focus before me.

Yelling. Too much yelling. I was getting a headache from it all.

"Do this…"

"Do that…"

Shut up! Please shut up! I can't hear them. I won't listen!

"Don't be like that…"

"Be like this…"

Enough. ENOUGH.

I can't take it

"You can't be like this anymore. Start going out with friends. Date girls. Stop being such a drama fa-"

"Don't say it," I mutter

"Did you just talk back to me boy?" He asked angrily.

"Don't say it. Stop talking. You hate me so much, when all I do is try to change myself to fit your approval."

Bad decision.

"Ryan don't you talk back to your father," mum scolded.

Dad wasn't as nice.

"You're saying you know better than I do? You're going to fail at life. You're failing now. Follow my rules or get out of my house."

"Stop. I hate this. You're trying to turn me into you. Why can't you accept me for me, you sadistic bastard?"

Not the best choice of words… Sharpay looked at me in horror and flinched as she saw the anger on my dad's face.

I didn't even blink. He's handed out far worse than that.

"Ryan, stop talking," she pleaded quietly, not wanting to see me hurt.

"You want me out of here? Fine. But before I go, this is who I am. I'm an eighteen year old straight A student, who loves drama and music. I, believe it or not, like sports. I'm gay. That's right. Stuff it in your pipe and smoke it, your son is a fag." The room was silent.

"All these years you abused me, all these years you mistreated me, they wore me down. I gave in. I became numb like I was on Novocain, just to protect myself from everyone. I didn't trust, and now I go to fucking therapy for it behind your back. Thanks a lot, mum and dad, you raised a winner. Her name's Sharpay and you're proud of _her_. You're all perfect, and I'm the black sheep. I'm the one you're ashamed of. Well, no need to worry about that anymore."

"Ryan, please, stop!" Sharpay asked, grabbing my arm. "Please, you don't realize what you're saying!"

I shook her off of me. "Stop, Shar. You know it's true."

I turned to mum. "You could've stopped him. Maybe you just didn't love me enough."

She looked down, ashamed. Maybe she did. Maybe she just couldn't say anything. Maybe she was like me. She wasn't holding on tight enough while dad wanted to control every fucking aspect of my life.

"Whatever I do it's a mistake. So here's my big mistake. I'm moving. I'm going to an art school. I'm going to find a guy who loves me and who I love. And I'm going to forget everything you did to scar me. I'm going to get help and I'm going to forget you. I'm going to learn how to feel again. How to heal again."

I walked away.

So tired of hearing it.

So tired of being someone else.

So tired of being such a disappointment.

I swear I'll never do that to my kids, if I ever have any.

I think he regrets calling me names and hitting me now.

And if he doesn't?

Screw him. I know my sister will miss me.

Who gives a fuck about my parents?

They made me numb.

I couldn't feel a thing.

Not the sting of the tears in my eyes, not my heart breaking, not him choking me.

So I left. I walked out of the house into the rain outside and I began to heal. I felt the rain on my skin and it felt so damn good. I felt. I'm on my way.


End file.
